Numb and Number

So, I spent the past few days in a private self-pity party because I didn't get my dream job even thouugh they had at least five positions open.  I allowed this to make me feel as though I was nothing.  I'm still struggling with where I belong and who I am....where I'm going in life and whether I should just give up sometimes.  Okay, so the party isn't over.  I'm still feeling what some might call depressed but to me I'm just numb.  I've had the urge to cry a few times but I've fought it off.  It seems ridiculously pointless to me.  Some have told me that's exactly what I need...a good cry.  Maybe they're right.  But I'm numb.  Do I feel love?  Not the way I should.  Do I feel spiritual....no.  I used to feel many things.  I don't even feel angry...I do feel frustration.  I feel shame, guilt, hatred of self, and imprisoned at times. 
I daydream about what could be....but I do not have the ambition to fix it.  Why?  Because I don't feel anything really outside of the self-inflicted darkness.  I've battled this on and off for four years now.  Right after my husband died.  No...it's not grief.  It was a relief when he died.  That's a whole other story.  He wasn't who I thought.  They never are.  Maybe the fact that it was a relief is part of my guilt.  I cried out of guilt and anger....I cried for what should have been.  I cried because I loved someone in the beginning who created this whole in me.  I cried because I allowed it to happen. 
I easily give my soul away like it was nothing.  Like I'll never need it.  Like it isn't anything more than giving someone a houseplant you know they aren't going to water and maybe they'll even urinate on it. 
I'm trying to get myself there.  Trying to watch my diet and get more exercise to boost mood levels.  I'm trying to encourage myself to do things like write...which I used to love and have been decent at in the past.  Now...it's forced.  My thoughts are foggy and jumbled.  There's no clarity, no direction.  I think my brain cells are on lock down.  Oh well....Maybe today is the day.  1 day before my birthday.  That's another story too...all the promises I made to myself...the goals I intended to reach before this birthday.  Double 4's. I think.  Wait, let me do the math....yeah.  Double 4's ...(that's 44).  44 years of failure, foreclosure, education and now 4 years of unemployment.  I'm thinking the number 4 is not kind to me.  Most relationships, okay every relationship I've been in has began to suffer or turn drastically at the 4 year mark.  So....I suppose I have some serious decisions to make. 
Well....if anyone reads this...be blessed.  Have a great week.