ugh

My thoughts have hidden from me in the depths of my abyss.  My poetry no longer sings to me from the sorrow.  I am imprisoned by numbness.  Unable to feel that which once inflamed my soul.

VD

I know Valentines Day is past but the more I thought about it the more I realized that it's the one holiday that legalizes prostitution nationwide.  Men buy women flowers, candy, lingerie, dinner, champagne, etc with the hopes /expectations of receiving some type of sex afterwards.  Now in all fairness I don't want to seem sexist because there are a few women out there that spend the money with the same expectations. The most expensive "prostitutes" expect an engagement ring and promise of marriage for the sexual exchange to take place.  This is a price that most men regret paying and vice versa.  It's akin to getting an incurable STD after a few months or years. 
I don't particularly care for VD (nice how the abbreviation of Valentines Day mimics the STD right?)
I would rather receive those items simply because I'm loved and without expectation...and I would rather give to my other half sexually because I strongly desire him/her and not because they paid me in gifts.  You see this on many other holidays as well but with Valentines day....it's a national /international expectation for people to participate.

change may never come unless I change.

I keep telling myself I need to change various aspects of my life.  I need to quit smoking, drink more water, lose weight, get more exercise...go back to church or at least spend more time in meditation. Wow..as I was typing that I first wrote medication instead of meditation.  Subconsciously I'm leaning towards being medicated into a meditative state I think.  Well....it HAS been one of those days.  I went to get my license changed over and had to have everything but a DNA sample.  Of course she may have overlooked that and will inform me when I go back in with the folder of papers to prove who I am and that I am not from some alternate universe.  Crazy.  My blood pressure was at stroke level for two hours after 30 seconds of talking to the woman at the BMV.  Seriously...once I calmed down and took another BP pill....I was still 195 /107.  lol  That place will kill you.  This is why I haven't made the changes I know I need to make.  I first need to learn better wasy of dealing with my stress...I'm an emotional eater/smoker.  That's just how it is...40+ years of that behavior is hard to break.  It is what it is I suppose.  One baby step at a time.  What do they say? Recognizing you have a problem is the first step?

Numb and Number

So, I spent the past few days in a private self-pity party because I didn't get my dream job even thouugh they had at least five positions open.  I allowed this to make me feel as though I was nothing.  I'm still struggling with where I belong and who I am....where I'm going in life and whether I should just give up sometimes.  Okay, so the party isn't over.  I'm still feeling what some might call depressed but to me I'm just numb.  I've had the urge to cry a few times but I've fought it off.  It seems ridiculously pointless to me.  Some have told me that's exactly what I need...a good cry.  Maybe they're right.  But I'm numb.  Do I feel love?  Not the way I should.  Do I feel spiritual....no.  I used to feel many things.  I don't even feel angry...I do feel frustration.  I feel shame, guilt, hatred of self, and imprisoned at times. 
I daydream about what could be....but I do not have the ambition to fix it.  Why?  Because I don't feel anything really outside of the self-inflicted darkness.  I've battled this on and off for four years now.  Right after my husband died.  No...it's not grief.  It was a relief when he died.  That's a whole other story.  He wasn't who I thought.  They never are.  Maybe the fact that it was a relief is part of my guilt.  I cried out of guilt and anger....I cried for what should have been.  I cried because I loved someone in the beginning who created this whole in me.  I cried because I allowed it to happen. 
I easily give my soul away like it was nothing.  Like I'll never need it.  Like it isn't anything more than giving someone a houseplant you know they aren't going to water and maybe they'll even urinate on it. 
I'm trying to get myself there.  Trying to watch my diet and get more exercise to boost mood levels.  I'm trying to encourage myself to do things like write...which I used to love and have been decent at in the past.  Now...it's forced.  My thoughts are foggy and jumbled.  There's no clarity, no direction.  I think my brain cells are on lock down.  Oh well....Maybe today is the day.  1 day before my birthday.  That's another story too...all the promises I made to myself...the goals I intended to reach before this birthday.  Double 4's. I think.  Wait, let me do the math....yeah.  Double 4's ...(that's 44).  44 years of failure, foreclosure, education and now 4 years of unemployment.  I'm thinking the number 4 is not kind to me.  Most relationships, okay every relationship I've been in has began to suffer or turn drastically at the 4 year mark.  So....I suppose I have some serious decisions to make. 
Well....if anyone reads this...be blessed.  Have a great week.