ugh

My thoughts have hidden from me in the depths of my abyss.  My poetry no longer sings to me from the sorrow.  I am imprisoned by numbness.  Unable to feel that which once inflamed my soul.

VD

I know Valentines Day is past but the more I thought about it the more I realized that it's the one holiday that legalizes prostitution nationwide.  Men buy women flowers, candy, lingerie, dinner, champagne, etc with the hopes /expectations of receiving some type of sex afterwards.  Now in all fairness I don't want to seem sexist because there are a few women out there that spend the money with the same expectations. The most expensive "prostitutes" expect an engagement ring and promise of marriage for the sexual exchange to take place.  This is a price that most men regret paying and vice versa.  It's akin to getting an incurable STD after a few months or years. 
I don't particularly care for VD (nice how the abbreviation of Valentines Day mimics the STD right?)
I would rather receive those items simply because I'm loved and without expectation...and I would rather give to my other half sexually because I strongly desire him/her and not because they paid me in gifts.  You see this on many other holidays as well but with Valentines day....it's a national /international expectation for people to participate.

change may never come unless I change.

I keep telling myself I need to change various aspects of my life.  I need to quit smoking, drink more water, lose weight, get more exercise...go back to church or at least spend more time in meditation. Wow..as I was typing that I first wrote medication instead of meditation.  Subconsciously I'm leaning towards being medicated into a meditative state I think.  Well....it HAS been one of those days.  I went to get my license changed over and had to have everything but a DNA sample.  Of course she may have overlooked that and will inform me when I go back in with the folder of papers to prove who I am and that I am not from some alternate universe.  Crazy.  My blood pressure was at stroke level for two hours after 30 seconds of talking to the woman at the BMV.  Seriously...once I calmed down and took another BP pill....I was still 195 /107.  lol  That place will kill you.  This is why I haven't made the changes I know I need to make.  I first need to learn better wasy of dealing with my stress...I'm an emotional eater/smoker.  That's just how it is...40+ years of that behavior is hard to break.  It is what it is I suppose.  One baby step at a time.  What do they say? Recognizing you have a problem is the first step?

Numb and Number

So, I spent the past few days in a private self-pity party because I didn't get my dream job even thouugh they had at least five positions open.  I allowed this to make me feel as though I was nothing.  I'm still struggling with where I belong and who I am....where I'm going in life and whether I should just give up sometimes.  Okay, so the party isn't over.  I'm still feeling what some might call depressed but to me I'm just numb.  I've had the urge to cry a few times but I've fought it off.  It seems ridiculously pointless to me.  Some have told me that's exactly what I need...a good cry.  Maybe they're right.  But I'm numb.  Do I feel love?  Not the way I should.  Do I feel spiritual....no.  I used to feel many things.  I don't even feel angry...I do feel frustration.  I feel shame, guilt, hatred of self, and imprisoned at times. 
I daydream about what could be....but I do not have the ambition to fix it.  Why?  Because I don't feel anything really outside of the self-inflicted darkness.  I've battled this on and off for four years now.  Right after my husband died.  No...it's not grief.  It was a relief when he died.  That's a whole other story.  He wasn't who I thought.  They never are.  Maybe the fact that it was a relief is part of my guilt.  I cried out of guilt and anger....I cried for what should have been.  I cried because I loved someone in the beginning who created this whole in me.  I cried because I allowed it to happen. 
I easily give my soul away like it was nothing.  Like I'll never need it.  Like it isn't anything more than giving someone a houseplant you know they aren't going to water and maybe they'll even urinate on it. 
I'm trying to get myself there.  Trying to watch my diet and get more exercise to boost mood levels.  I'm trying to encourage myself to do things like write...which I used to love and have been decent at in the past.  Now...it's forced.  My thoughts are foggy and jumbled.  There's no clarity, no direction.  I think my brain cells are on lock down.  Oh well....Maybe today is the day.  1 day before my birthday.  That's another story too...all the promises I made to myself...the goals I intended to reach before this birthday.  Double 4's. I think.  Wait, let me do the math....yeah.  Double 4's ...(that's 44).  44 years of failure, foreclosure, education and now 4 years of unemployment.  I'm thinking the number 4 is not kind to me.  Most relationships, okay every relationship I've been in has began to suffer or turn drastically at the 4 year mark.  So....I suppose I have some serious decisions to make. 
Well....if anyone reads this...be blessed.  Have a great week. 

No big deal

So, my blood pressure has been up a little lately.  Normal is considered 120/75 or so I guess.  Mine runs anywhere from 140/90 to 220/120.  It's also been known to hit 120/115 or 110/100 which is supposed to be bad I guess.  So yesterday I experienced a weird "chest pain" which kind of freaked me out.  Now, I have some arthritis and fibromyalgia so pain and I know each other very well.  I also have Raynauds which causes contriction of blood vessels all throughout the body.  This can be bad.  Anyway...I walked into my kitchen (and no I don't have panic attacks, etc) and started to speak to my daughter when I had a sudden "attack" that felt like a million needles pricking my heart and shooting down my left arm.  It took my breath away...seriously.  It didn't last long but after it stopped my BP was 170/105, which for me isn't outrageous but medically speaking it can say "heart attack." 
Well, I didn't go to the hospital or see a doctor.  I requested prayer and called a couple of nurse friends.  Both said the same thing.  If it's not happening at the time the doctor sees you....they won't believe it unless you actually suffer a heart attack great enough to cause some damage.  In short, it's a waste of time and money.  Rest, keep an eye on things etc.  But neither of them had heard of the sensation I felt either. 
Maybe a better way to describe it is like when you sit down in a chair and tuck your foot up underneath you..and stay in that position just a little too long so that when you try to stand up you get that incredibly irritating sensation of pins and needles as the blood rushes back into the area.  that's exactly what it felt like.  Freaky....and damn was it ever irritating.  So, I'm obviously still alive.  And if I'm still here tomorrow, I'll post something else.  Maybe. 

Pet peeve....literally.

So, yesterday I was on the phone and the question was asked "would you take your dog to church with you?"  Now, this wasn't a request it was a serious question.  My response...was "good grief no!"  First of all taking a dog to church tells me a great deal about the owner.  They've taken God's name in vain.  What?  You read it right...they've taken God's name in vain.  No they didn't curse- they took a dog to church.  What was the purpose?  What do I mean by taking God's name in vain?  Why is this a big deal?  Well, first of all say God d*** it is only one way we take His name in vain.  To say you're a christian and go to church for any reason besides worship, getting saved, and /or prayer (such as to be noticed with a new outfit, for political connections, for socializing and not really giving a shit about being there to praise God, or to get all the attention on you and your cute little puppy-distracting the service from the message) is taking God's name in vain.  Vanity...is selfish, egotistical.  To be vain is to be all about you.  To be in service under Christ is to be all about others and serving.  It is about praising Him for his Grace and sacrifice.  Now, I'm not talking about your average "having a bad day...need someone to talk to..." kind of moment.  We are to lift one another up and have fellowship.  If you want to show off your dog, you invite people over for Sunday dinner and make over the little fella there.  If you feel the need to take a dog to church...you need to ask yourself why.  You need to examine why you are going and what consequences it could have.  The dog isn't going to be comfortable...and someone might be allergic.  At the very least...they're going to be distracted.  Why don't I just take a parrot and teach it a few gospel songs while I'm at it?  It doesn't glorify God. It keeps people from focusing on the message that, believe it or  not, might be exactly what they need to hear.  What if someone comes in who has been out of church for a while because of the foolishness that goes on in church?  Do you think they'd take this place seriously and really want to turn their life back to God?  I think not.  For everyone's sake, including your pets...leave them at home.  Oh...let's say there are children there...do you really think it would be easy to keep them quiet and non-disruptive with a dog in the building?  No...not a chance.  And what if your precious puppy bit someone? 
Yes, I know there are churches that handle snakes- that's a whole other topic and they aren't pets.  So basically....if you're going to church, go for the right reason, leave your pets at home and don't make it about you.  Don't criticize people who have a 5 suit /dress wardrobe either.  They are there for the right reason most likely.  Get on board or go back to bed. Don't be a hindrance to others...it will bite you in the arse eventually. 

Karma..karma..karma chameleon

My love was an addiction....
Yeah, listening to a little BoyGeorge...goin' retro baby.  Not much going on today.  I have no great ponderings to share really.  Just feelin' groovy - dancin' in my seat.  People driving by probably think I'm nuts...yeah, I'm right smack-dab in front of the winder.  lol.
I think it's time to refresh my book learnin' and what-not just in case I want to go back to work.  Don't ask what I do for a living, I don't wish to expose myself to critique...I mean there's no one reading my blog now, but in 20 years..who knows.  I might have a plethora of freaks flipping frantically through my archives catching up on the goings-on and shenanigans of my life.  Oh yes...it will get interesting...just you wait until that dementia kicks in- you'll see.  
Oh heck...listening to The Miracles "I'm Just a Love Machine"  --and I won't work for nobody but you...sing it....yeah baby!
lol ...really in a mood.  That happens when you cut out sugar and salt...let your body breathe again and begin to heal.  I'm an addict though..so we'll see how this goes.  While I feel better, it's hard to resist the rush...then the sickness...the lethargy...lol  Okay..time to go be more productive.  Peace.
...that's the way uh huh uh huh i like it uh huh uh huh  that's the way...KC & the Sunshine Band...get up and dance...yeah baby.